Posts

United We Parent – How to Create A Strong Parenting Team, With Hogan Hilling – RFL034

United We Parent – How to Create A Strong Parenting Team – Episode Overview

You know, even parents who live in the same household don’t always support each other in their parenting. Add to this the fact that about half of all marriages end in divorce and creating a united supportive parenting team, where half of parents don’t live together, has less of a chance of happening. I remember as my ex-wife and I were going through our divorce, we received training in how to unite more in our love and care of our kids and focus less on our differences. And to remember that our kids would be so much better served and be more ready for life if we were able to unite, support each other in our parenting and work together for their benefit. We certainly did that and became both better parents and better people in the process.

Attention and Intention

This week, my attention is on uniting in our parenting. My intention is to show that the more parents work together and support each other in their parenting, them better the results for our kids – the more we can get them ready for life.

Meet our guest Hogan Hilling

Hogan Hilling on what makes a great parenting teamHogan Hilling is a parent, nationally recognized author of eight published parenting books and the Dads Behaving DADLY book series. Hilling has appeared on Oprah and ABC’s The Story of Fathers and Sons documentary. Passionate about parenting and focused on uniting moms and dads in their parenting, Hogan is the Founder of the DADLY Rally – a high-energy rally celebrating dads and their important role in parenting. Hogan lives in Southern California.

Episode’s Key TakeAWays

  1. There is more criticism and judgment than support of parents – both in and out of the house. The best way to create an environment that can get your kids ready for life is to create a parenting team – a partnership – committed to the same goals, allowing for different ways to achieve the goals.
  2. The greatest reason for the lack of unity in parenting is a lack of clear and authentic personal connection between parents. For the team to be created, parents need to increase their communication, connection and interest in each other – to allow what is best in each parent to surface, and for parents to discuss how they want to parent, guide and support their kids. Without a clear, shared vision, parents are unable to create a united parenting approach.
  3. Parents parent best when they connect to what is best in them. Many judgments come from one parent expecting the other parent to act in the conventional dad or conventional mom way. Modern parents tap into and use their best abilities as either the mom or the dad – and the other parent sees and supports each parent being their best.
  4. Make an agreement to support each other in your parenting – NO MATTER WHAT. Disagreements about parenting approaches and methods should not be discussed in front of the kids.
  5. Be supportive and watch for what each parent does right. We are more tuned in to being critics instead of raving fans.
  6. Creating a team approach is critical in all parenting, but it takes more effort and focus when the parents are not in the same house. Parallel parenting is when the rules in effect at one household are in effect at the other. This creates a saner and more balanced environment for the kids. Though parents may no longer get along – resulting in a relationship breakup/divorce – work to make your kids the focus of your parenting – and keep your personal issues about the other parent to yourself. Kids internalize what they hear and see in the interactions between parents.
  7. Divorce is a flashpoint for keeping a sane and consistent environment for kids. Commit to keeping the kids out of the conflict, commit to working together when it comes to raising the kids, commit to creating consistent living arrangements or life rules between households (parallel parenting). Put the child’s interests first. Saying negative things about the other partner or spouse is hurtful and challenging for kids, and creates future emotional challenges.

The Dadly Rallyparenting team dadly rally logo

Hogan Hilling is the founder of the Dadly Rally – a high-energy and educational rally celebrating and appreciating the role of dads in parenting. The first of many Dadly Rallies will be hosted on July 16, 2016 in Los Angeles. Once the Dadly Rallies are underway, watch for the Amazing Mom Rallies. Find out more information including registering to attend the one-day event at www.DadlyRally.com

Some question for parents:

  1. Do you feel united in the way you currently parent your kids?
  2. Do you act as a united team in your parenting your kids?
  3. What greatness and strong parenting attributes do you see in yourself and in the other parent?
  4. How often do you and the other parent discuss or talk about what is working and not working in your current parenting?

Tweet this:

Stop and Notice Challenge

Each week we ask you to stop and notice – to develop your skill of tuning in to you and your world. This week’s stop and notice challenge is:

  1.    Stop and Notice how united you are as parents. Do you support and encourage each other in your parenting or are you judgmental and critical?
  2.    Stop and Notice how your parenting is affecting your kids. Are you unified and consistent in your parenting or do your kids know how to play each of you?
  3.    Stop and Notice how united you are as parents in a divorce situation. Do you work unselfishly for the benefit of the kids, or do you let your relationship issues impact your ability to create a stable and consistent parenting approach?

Parenting is a team sport. Learning to see the greatness and abilities in each of the parents can help you become more supportive of each other. From this place, an improved conversation can happen about how to parent – so that kids receive the best parenting possible. You are their guides, support and coaches to get them ready for life. A united team approach to parenting improves the quality of this process

Suggested Resource:

The Dadly Way – 10 Steps to More Active Fathering and More Active Parenting – by Josh Misner and Hogan Hilling

The dadly way parenting teamIt is time for fathers to become more mindful in our approach to families, so that we might carve out the best possible future for our children, as well as their children. To do so, we must parent with presence, on purpose, today. From dealing with the ego, to calling for an end to the parenting wars, from learning how fatherhood has evolved, to knowing where it is heading, and from learning to listen deeply, to becoming more mindful parents, The Dadly Way provides a meaningful look at modern fatherhood.

Creating Stability In Periods of Family Change, with Nancy Fagan – RFL033

Creating Stability in Periods of Family Change – Episode Overview

The statistics share that about half of marriages end in divorce. Many other families are affected by business travel, military deployment or even parent incarceration – all can upset the stability and pulse of the household. How do you create an environment to get your kids ready for life when things around you are changing? And, how do you work together to provide consistent, loving support for your kids when your emotions are challenged by life’s situations? Big questions that need answers to help us help our kids progress successfully to adulthood.

Attention and Intention

This week, my attention is on families interrupted by change or distance. My intention is to share some great information to help those in this situation create a constant, stable environment that has all parties unified in their parenting to stay focused on helping their kids get ready for life.

Meet our guest Nancy Fagan

Nancy Fagan is the CEO of Fairy Good Heart LLC.™ She provides parenting tools and resources to help parents and children thrive in times of separation due to divorce, military deployment, business travel, mental health issues, addictions, prison or foster care. She is a nationally recognized divorce and family relationship expert, a contributing writer for the Huffington Post, and the author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Romance, Desirable Men: How to Find Them and Fables of Fairy Good Heart: Divorce—A Parent’s Love Lasts Forever.

Episode’s Key TakeAWays

  • There are two types of situations that separate families
    1. Physical separation:
      1. Kids starting school, camp, daycare, school event – events that take the kids away from the parents that can be anxiety-causing.
      2. Business travel – parents who leave for work like truck drivers, merchant marines, military deployment – where work keeps parents away from family.
      3. Life changes – divorce, illness, incarceration, financial pressures, immigration – intentional or unintentional events that separate kids and parents.
    2. Emotional separation:
      1. Where parents are emotionally unavailable due to illness, addiction, depression, attending to another child (special needs).
      2. Where parents are emotionally unavailable due to technology (phone, Facebook, television), always work focused, preoccupation with status or money, personally disinterested in kids (step kids, etc).

Both types of separations create instability at home. Some are more extreme. The first way to address this to be able to create a stable and consistent environment for your kids is to NOTICE – to see which of these situations is affecting which of your kids (all kids are different and respond differently to separations). Being observant is critical to noticing when things are unstable and affecting the development of the kids.

  • Dealing with family change as parents
    • Remember you are affected by some of the situations affecting the family: divorce, separation, illness, depression, addiction, etc). Focusing on what you need to stay sane and calm is critical to being able to provide a stable environment for your kids.
    • Know and watch your triggers in stressful situations – like a parent dealing with running the household while another parent travels, is deployed, is incarcerated, etc. What help can you get with the daily tasks and what ways do you make time for your own mental health?
    • Sometimes a tough current situation can be solved by seeing the longer view – that what is a struggle today is getting you or the family ready for better, saner, calmer times ahead can help parents deal with the stress of separation or change – this could include job relocation, going to school while working and parenting, jobs with significant travel, military deployment, etc.
  • Dealing with family change affecting the kids
    • Tune in and pay attention to when the kids are feeling any kind of physical or emotional separation – be aware and responsive.
    • Identify what is causing the separation response and create a plan right away with the child. This could be a parent that is always on the computer or phone and needs to create times in the day to be available. It could be a parent that works away from the area and is around only on weekends, and makes a more significant effort to make more time with the kids on the weekend.
  • Divorce is a flashpoint for keeping a sane and consistent environment for kids. Commit to keeping the kids out of the conflict, commit to working together when it comes to raising the kids, commit to creating consistent living arrangements or life rules between households (parallel parenting). Put the child’s interests first. Saying negative things about the other partner or spouse is hurtful and challenging for kids, and creates future emotional challenges.
  • Tune in, be observant, really listen and pay attention to what is happening, change what you can change, be intentional in your response to keep or provide some sort of balance, develop your support system to stay resilient as you handle or deal with the change.

Some question for parents:

  1. Are you a distracted parent (for any reason) – unavailable to your kids?
  2. What do you do to close the distance gap if you are separated from your kids for any intentional or unintentional reason?
  3. How are you keeping your kids first if you are in a divorce or adversarial situation with a spouse?
  4. Do you take into account the impact on the family and kids as you make life decisions and choices?

Tweet this:

Stop and Notice Challenge

Each week we ask you to stop and notice – to develop your skill of tuning in to you and your world. This week’s stop and notice challenge is:

  1. Stop and Notice how you are a distracted parent – what ways do you get locked into your world and miss critical signals from, or time and connection with your kids?
  2. Stop and Notice if your family is dealing with a physical separation. What can you do to make it easier and more stable for the kids?
  3. Stop and Notice if any of your kids are dealing with any emotional separations. What can you or any member in the family do to help in this situation?
  4. Stop and Notice how you treat your ex-spouse or partner – knowing that your kids can be affected by any mean or hurtful behavior. How can you focus on the kids and unite with your ex to make their lives as stable as they can be?

Life does come at us fast. As parents, we need to be tuned in and watching how this fast world is affecting our kids. The more observant we become, the more information we have to decide what to do to help smooth out some of life’s rough spots – to give our kids a stable, consistent and loving environment to grow up in. How we start them out influences how they move through life.

Suggested Resource:


The Five Love Languages – The Secret to Love That Lasts
– by Gary Chapman

family change resourceFalling in love is easy. Staying in love—that’s the challenge! How can you keep your relationship fresh and growing amid the demands, conflicts, and just plain boredom of everyday life

In the #1 New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages, you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner—starting today.

The 5 Love Languages is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work.

Includes a His and Hers Personal Profile assessment so you can discover your love language and that of your loved one.

How to Stop Being A Stressed-Out Mom, with Lynn Durham – RFL028

How to Stop Being a Stressed-Out Mom – Episode Overview

Does your world have you constantly running? Do you feel stressed out as you bring your kids to this activity and that, go to work, manage your house, stay in touch with friends, fix things that break and deal with the cuts, scrapes and bruises and emotional traumas of your kids’ lives? It’s enough to make your head explode.

Life is indeed complicated; we have so much to manage. And the more that gets added to our parenting pile, the more stressed out we can become. That is until we realize that we are just one thought away from feeling better, saner, calmer and steadier in our lives. We have this amazing capacity to be our own pharmacy – we have what we need to handle what live sends us and to live happily and calmly. Our guest Lynn Durham shows us how.

Attention and Intention

This week, my attention is on the stressed-out mom or parent. And my intention is to share ways to help you reframe how you show up to your moments – even the ones that can drive you crazy – so that you learn to move from stressed to sane – to manage and really love your life as a parent.

Meet our guest Lynn Durham

Lynn Durham - no longer a stressed out momLynn Durham is a mother of 3 boys, a registered nurse, speaker, wellbeing coach and author of Frazzled to Fantastic and over 100 articles and columns; her audio book is called Dancing Gracefully With Life. She has always been interested in and passionate about helping others feel better through her writing, retreat facilitation and speaking. She tries to live a frazzle-free life in woods of New Hampshire.

Episode’s Key TakeAWays

  1. Stop and notice what gets you stressed out and frazzled. You can change and improve if you don’t see it or know it. Start a list of what gets you stressed.
  2. To manage your stressful situations, focus on resilience – to find the inner strength to deal with what life sends you. Do this through the 3 Rs – relax, reflect and respond). When we do this we shift out of reacting into a more intentional way of being.
    • R#1 – Relax. Take a deep belly breath (create a pause). This helps you move from your habit (default) brain to access your thinking brain. This moment or minute you take when you take that cleansing breath instantly starts to calm you and shifts your perspective to be open to considering other options – it shifts you out of react and moves you to respond. And choices from “respond” are so much greater and more meaningful.
    • R#2 – Reflect. You can’t reflect if you first haven’t relaxed. Reflecting means in a moment of clarity, consider what else can happen here. What is another way of looking at this? What could make this better? What other options can I consider here? And in the process you shift from stressed out to being able to solve calmly and sanely.
    • R#3 – Respond. With the ability to reflect, you now have the ability to respond wisely. Much of why we are frazzled and stressed out is we don’t know how to calm things down, think about them differently then choose a response wisely and carefully. We react instead of respond. We default into our decisions instead of choosing them intentionally.
  3. If you can’t get out of it, then choose to get into it. If you have to do something, then choose to show up big to it.
  4. Feeling good book cover for stressed out moms and parentsCheck out this great book referred by Lynn Durham, written by David Burns – Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy. A national bestseller, this book offers the remarkable, scientifically proven techniques that will immediately lift your spirits and help you develop a positive outlook on life.
  5. Habits are built little by little. Give yourself time to start new things – just remember to keep moving forward. Break things down into smaller pieces.

Some question for parents:

  1. What events get you stressed or frazzled?
  2. When you feel stressed or frazzled, what is your go-to behavior? Does it serve you?
  3. How might you use a deep breath to relax when you are feeling stressed?
  4. How might your deep breath give you the space to reflect calmly and sanely?
  5. How might your reflection help you respond more wisely, creatively and successfully?

Tweet this:

Stop and Notice Challenge

Each week we ask you to stop and notice – to develop your skill of tuning in to you and your world. This week’s stop and notice challenge is:

  1. Stop and Notice what gets you frazzled. Why? What are your triggers?
  2. Stop and Notice what you do when you get frazzled – and if it serves you. How open are you to learning new habits to not be so stressed out?
  3. Stop and Notice how taking a deep breath when you feel stressed gives you room and space to think differently, saner and calmer.
  4. Stop and Notice that the better solutions that arise when you respond instead of react. How might you approach all challenges with responses – taking the time to relax, reflect then respond, instead of defaulting to your reactions.

Parenting can get you stressed out. That doesn’t change that your kids still need you to be their guide, support and coach – to find their way in life. They are works in process – and that means there is a lot of learning going on. The more aware you are of what stresses you out, the more successful you will be to work intentionally to relax, reflect and respond, to improve the impact you will have in helping your kids get ready for life.

Suggested Resource:

From Frazzled to Fantastic- You’re One Thought Aware from Feeling Better By Lynn Durham

Frazzled book cover, from former stressed out mom Lynn DurhamDid you know that 5 minutes of remembered anger can depress your immune function for up to 6 hours? That your platelets get sticky with stress? That the telomeres on your DNA shorten and you age faster? This book is filled with stories, comments, suggestions, quotes and references to medical research rich in proving the psychological and physical benefits in healthy thinking and feeling good. You can look over the “new thoughts” at the end of each segment with an open mind and see if there are any you want to “test drive” in your life to change your heart variability pattern from jagged and erratic to a more coherent rhythm as you move From Frazzled To Fantastic.